He said, “I don’t know who that is.” Words spoken by my ex-husband to my daughter recently. She was confused thinking he was losing his memory. I knew exactly what he meant and he was correct. He doesn’t know this version of me in the least. And what a compliment it is!
After spending 30 plus years with someone you think you know them inside and out yet I’m quite an actress apparently. No one had a clue at the inner angst going on while I was dishing out Suzie Homemaker, Business Woman, Mother, Sister, and Friend to the world. If I thought it would make him happy or possibly bring us closer in some way then I would do it, whether I actually had a personal interest in doing it was entirely another matter. I didn’t really enjoy much of the same things as him… yet I tried.
When you try and try…you get tired.
Over the years it was easy to just morph into what the world said I should be. When you’re in your twenties and a mother and wife, society tells you to dress this way and act this way…so I did! As decades went along, I’d just morph myself over and over.
The problem with always trying to fit in was that I was made to stand out. Ever heard of square peg and round hole? That was my life!
As an artist, I had the ability to create new versions of myself and create grand illusions. I was a pro at the illusions in fact! You could be my best friend yet know nothing about me. I can even use my invisibility cloak anytime I wish to just disappear.
I can’t recall how many times I’d speak to someone and I would have to remind them that we had already met two or three times prior, yet they had no recollection of me in the least. I was invisible, uninteresting and not memorable in the least. A total charade!
It wasn’t until 2017 that someone caught me! I was kayaking on a lake with a great Mystic whom said, “We’ve been here for two hours and you finally showed yourself to me. Thanks for taking the cloaking off.”
I’m actually quite interesting and memorable yet felt it more comfortable to keep playing the roles and shoving myself into a round hole into which I didn’t fit in the least. I was born to stand out yet the entire world had beaten me down to be invisible.
How does that even happen?
Abuse and other such tragedies will do it to ya! As a gardener I just kept watering all the weeds that everyone planted early on, even though it was all a load of crap. Weeds of worthlessness, shame, embarrassment, rejection. Weeds that I was too tall, too busty, too big a booty, just for fucking not conversing. Weeds that big and bold as a woman is bad so play dumb, be quiet and be afraid of men and life in general. “It’s a big bad world out there!”
Us gardeners know that crap, of certain varieties, is excellent fertilizer but this was literally the worse damn crap ever. Ruined the soil and contaminated the plantings yet I just kept watering and planting dumb shit in it. We do what we are programmed to do…until we don’t! That can be early on or as a late motherfucker, like I am! As long as we learn to recognize weeds and begin pulling them out is the point.
So, come around to modern day and I don’t fit in and I wasn’t made too and I own that as fact! And the less I give a fuck about what others think of my garden, the better.
I’m this strange outgoing yet reclusive figure who is big and bold yet sweet and humble. A confusing fucking predicament, aren’t I? But the truth is, I’m all these things and more. We’re, after all, multi-dimensional beings so anyone that is only showing you one side of themselves is an actor or illusionist!
Pondering My Eclectic Nature
I had recently stepped out of the shower and while standing naked in front of the mirror was looking at my jiggly belly and large boobs thinking “Hmmmm…. I’m cuddly as fuck! Look how cute I am!?! What is wrong with people and their hate of my belly that carried my beautiful daughter and is a reminder of my journey?”
As the leopard print robe wrapped around my curves I glanced down at my phone and it was 6 o’clock in the evening. It donned on me that I’m turning into an eclectic old writer who’s a strange character in a book. It’s fucking fabulous, I say! Hemmingway eat your heart out.
I’m weird. I don’t work Monday through Friday and forget the whole 9 to 5 thing. I live in a small room with fabulous art and a comfy bed…and I’m happy! People feed me delicious food and fill my soul with knowledge, truth and love. I do odd, and rather strange jobs at times, yet get to work anywhere I happen to be, travel, laugh, sing, meet fabulous people and enjoy my life.
Honestly I think I’m the exception, not the weirdo, yet even my circle of friends don’t really get me. They like the Matrix since it’s easier to navigate and much more predicable. It’s often odd to be the woke one whom everyone else looks up to. We are all the same…yet at different places in our journey.
If some of my friends only knew that sometimes I stay in my bed writing all day, dreaming, listening to music, masturbating and praying with people in need they’d probably want to commit me to an asylum. Or try to shove me into a box that makes them feel more comfortable. My life is heavenly for me and you can’t fit heaven into a box!
Admitting I was happy motivated, not money motivated, irritates people and has made me gosh darn happy!
Back to the beginning
Let’s digress here to the first paragraph…my life is beautiful. I am beautiful …and strange. And my ex-husband whom won’t even speak to me gave me the best compliment of my life! Thanks buddy! “I am different!” You don’t know me. I’m discovering every day who I am by unveiling myself…to me! If someone happens to notice, that’s cool but not necessary in the least. This is all about me.
It’s apparent upon writing this that I’ve probably been eclectic and weird and all sort of other labels humans like to pin on people; yet was afraid no one would like me, let alone love me, if I just showed up as the messy haired old lady wearing the leopard print robe at dinner time after masturbating in her room all day. See? I’m a fucking fabulous character!
Be a character in your life — the main character. Be eccentric and strange and make people wonder what the hell you are doing! It’s fun as all get out.
Just because we have the capability to be invisible…doesn’t mean we should hide.
Be the damn square peg and let other square pegs come out to play with you!