This one is personal friends, as well as, graphic. Newest post originally published on Medium about my experience with Abusive Men and where I'm at with it all...
I’m Tired of Hiding from Abusive Men — Enough Already!
“You really look so much better with make-up on. If you “were smart”, you’d never post any photos without it. No one reads what you write anyways, lady.” — an Attorney for Equal Rights of Native Americans.
I’ve been quiet lately. It’s dangerous when I’m quiet. I am in survival mode if I’m quiet; yet here I am. Feeling very trapped within myself, while all the memories come back...
“You’re just asking “for it” by posting photos showing us your cleavage!” — Recording Artist
“Blah, blah, blah. I don’t read any of your words. They are probably worth reading yet, I just look at your boobs and wonder what’s underneath your robe that I could molest.” — Well-known Business Owner in New York City
“Of course, you’re going to turn me on, you’re talking about (sacred) sex and relationships. You’re just asking to have me ejaculate all over your face.” — Minister in California
“What’s wrong with you? I want to marry you! I am millionaire. You marry me, or I will hurt you and your family!” — Multi-millionaire in India
“If you don’t respond to my messages, I will find your daughter and rape her!”
“My husband liked your photo. I will kill you whore! Unfriend him right now. I will find you — you’re a worthless piece of shit!” — Sacramento CA.
Tips of the iceberg which I’ve endured privately over the past few years.
I wonder, do men with any sort of celebrity have to deal with anything similar in the least? I highly doubt it.
From what I’ve discovered, many Matrix women bow down to any good-looking man with stature and give them a blow job (or whatever the man wants) to please him. It goes back to broken little girls trying to please their daddy from the psychological viewpoint. And how disgusting is THAT fact when you let yourself think about it?
(Heal yourselves women, please!)
Does the fact that men get away with such deeds in society piss me off? Yes!
And for me to even get to a state of anger is amazing. I let a lot of things slide and just embrace them in love AND I suppose its time to get angry, isn’t it?
As an INFJ personality type, I’m highly sensitive and I think things through deeply. Letting hurtful words and threats roll off my back is difficult as it goes right to my delicate heart. I’m a survivor of child abuse, beatings, rape, molestation etc. I discovered through a wealth of inner child counseling that I’m a kind, sweet and compassionate little girl that literally felt like it was my duty to carry the shame, fear, anger of my abusers for them! Yes, for them!
I always felt like I was more mature than my sociopath father, uncle and neighbor. As a martyr I would take it and make excuses for their immaturity and broken and confused actions to make it alright. I then did the same thing for adult men in my life. It’s not alright. It took me until age 53 to admit that I don’t want, or have, to carry their shame any longer.
They harmed me…not the other way around.
I get to be angry at those that harmed me…and I’ve never let myself. I’m the good girl that pleases everyone, even my abusers. I’m not alone in this. How many of us put up will ill-treatment whether it’s abusive or just toxic to be around? A lot of us.
Many times, it is in the name of “marriage” or “family” that we put up with those that break us, test us, poke at us, cheat on us, manipulate us, beat us down physically or emotionally yet we are told to make nice because they are a societal label we shouldn’t breach. Some people even tell us that we are supposed to be nice even when being directly shit upon. Toxic is toxic.
We aren’t loving ourselves if we let toxic into our energetic space willingly. We aren’t loving ourselves if we let Beasts manipulate and harm us while we stand there openly receiving it!
“Here! Right here! Treat me like shit. Lie to my face! I’m a Martyr so it’s okay. It’s just my very being you’re wounding!”
In present day, I find myself hiding. Openly and confidentially sharing my spiritual wisdom, sacred sex, talking about things others wouldn’t dare to Thousands has shifted into closing it down. Shutting my social media, changing my name publicly, finally protecting myself, and not having to “take it” any longer.
Congratulations to me for putting my needs first; however, once you hide it’s very difficult to come out of hiding. You learn to enjoy the peace and quiet. The safety of not seeing every Tom’s Dick is Hairy and them knowing your business…or threatening you!
During this time, hidden in my little protective zone, the world has gone ever so crazy! More and more abuse against woman has come to the forefront and it slides right on by like it’s acceptable. It is not! Abuse against me, my sisters, brothers, black, white, Asian, transgender or whatever label you can think of…is not right! There’s no middle ground or balance here — I consciously know it’s a call for love from them yet I get to feel what they’ve done to me. It’s my Divine right to feel and express my truth.
“I have been wounded, harmed, abused!”...why are we told to not say these words aloud or to defend ourselves?
Good question, isn’t it?
We Let Society Shape Us
I birthed a beautiful daughter over thirty years ago. My societal approval of possessing a perfect beautiful body made me feel fantastic! It then turned into nursing breasts and rolls of fat, varicose veins, and stretch marks.
I was then stamped by society as “ugly, unworthy, unimportant, etc.”
My non-acceptance of self then led into a lifetime of food addiction as I wasn’t “perfect” or “worthy” any more. Every magazine and television show reminded me of my imperfections.
My non-acceptance of self also led into believing that I better cover my body so I don’t turn a man on and cover my freckles and wrinkles with make-up or I wouldn’t be “pretty” — let alone worthy of love, respectability or attention!
No matter how many times I’ve read, “Pretty is as pretty does,” it doesn’t help when you have no valid role models to look at, so I tried to become my own role model for society. It was too painful for my heart. Most were accepting yet the threats and amount of attention behind the scenes stressed me out so much it affected my health. Blood pressure through the roof, stomach aches and weight gain again…I spiraled downwards.
Life is a Spiral, Not a Straight Road
I recently ran into someone that used to read everything I wrote and liked every photo I shared — she had changed herself into a delicious and confident Goddess! It blew my mind.
She became everything I was telling women to be...while I was treating myself like a piece of shit because of a man’s rejection.
There she was in all her Sensual Goddess glory! She was so happy and vibrant! “Where have you been? I miss your inspiration and your kind of sexy! It helped me SO much!” she joyfully exclaimed. “Ummm….,” was all that I could respond. Because here I am, hiding.
Interesting….I have tears running down my face now.
It’s hard to write this and know that anyone might read it. When I was embracing my Sensuality and Goddess energy; I felt amazing, strong, confident and lovingly powerful. Photos posted were about expressing my Goddess self, not about enticing men or hooking up or finding a date or husband. Yet men that are asleep thought that was exactly what I was doing.
I emit such a huge LOVE energy (think Christ-Consciousness purity) and combined with my sensual body it would wig men out of their minds — literally!
In this immense Goddess energy, I glowed with femininity, sexuality, love and honesty of who I was…and I crashed and burned when the love of my life chose the boring “girl next door” archetype whom I can’t compete with because, well, I AM Goddess on High!
She was safe, I suppose.
I am not safe as I make the men in my life rise into their Divine power. I push them just as I push myself.
And even a Goddess on High can have her heart shattered into a million pieces and find herself over two years later still hiding. Still fearful that someone will hurt her at that depth of pain again. Fearful that someone will trigger the little girl’s inner wounds again and make her want to blow her brains out.
Is it the truth that someone will hurt me again? Yes.
Will I want to kill myself if they do hurt me? Probably not.
We must consciously remember that we are not the same person we were when pain happened prior.
But the monkey mind (ego/inner child) constantly reminds me of what happened and feels the need to protect me from potential harm, whether I’m in actual harm or not.
“Monkey Boy! You be quiet, I’m the Boss Lady of my Life!”
Am I up to the task of opening my heart to find out? Not really.
(God, how I wish I could say otherwise, yet I’m just not there. And to not be there is okay. We heal in our own time).
Someone is going to have to hold my hand gently to get me there. Show me they aren’t the devil in disguise. I’m worth the effort, this I do know.
Life isn’t a straight road. There are full circles, which I’ve had plenty of recently, and have led to great healing within me. I honor this time in hiding.
It’s okay to not be okay.
Life is difficult and ugly yet beautiful. Can you see that?
Life is beautiful and I’m still not okay. I feel the pain of my ancestors and the women, men, children that are in desperation on earth right now. I feel it all as an Empath and my natural tendency is to heal it for others — when I haven’t even healed my own wounds yet.
Think of it this way while you’re healing — one of the most beautiful flowers, the Lotus, grows in mud. A prominent figure in Buddhist and Egyptian culture, the lotus holds enormous symbolism. The lotus has a life cycle unlike any other. With its roots based in mud, it submerges every night into murky river water, and undeterred by its dirty environment , it re-blooms the next morning without residue on its petals.
Our lives are cyclical just like any flower or plant and when healing ourselves, life can absolutely be both Beautiful like a Lotus, and icky! So, here’s your permission to be angry, be not okay, be one who hides away to heal when you need to, be beautiful in your own skin and body whatever it looks like, and to just BE YOU.
This World Needs You to Be You — To share your story! Speak Your Truth! Shine Your Light however it shows up!
Rev. Arabella Marie ❤