My natural tendency is to hide.
Hide my emotions within -- Resulting in hoarding them within my physical vessel and stuffing any leftovers with food so that I can't feel anything. I'm a Food Addict. Psychologically it's being like an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler etc. etc.
So, the little girl hides in the corner curled up just like when her parent's were screaming at each other, or God forbid, when daddy was beating mom. And at 53, she still curls up in the corner more often than not when our Higher Power/Angels/Spirit Guides want us to do something that's uncomfortable...like openly love another human being or write about my experiences and publish them in a book or stand in front of people with a microphone.
It's true that we rarely know what another is really going through within, for our society only focuses on the exterior, whether it be perceived physical beauty, our voice, our amazing clothing or energy. I highly doubt, in fact I know it from speaking with people, that people realize how much it takes for some of us to even get out of bed, get dressed to "show up" for life.
As an INFJ Empath, damn...life just feels hard.
I live in a whirlwind of emotions, mostly from others or things I see or read, that then trigger my own inner wounding. It's like a spiral of energetic feelings swirling about day in and out. I offer others a love like nothing they've experienced before, however within me is often great pain, anguish and sadness picked up from this cruel reality called earth life.
It's only been in the past year that I've consciously let myself come out of the corner and be vulnerable enough to tell others I need a hug...or to just sit with them because I'm afraid to be alone.
Seems simple to just ask, doesn't it? It's terrifying actually. Because what if they say, "No!" "No, you can't sit with me and you certainly aren't worthy of a hug."
Rejection and abandonment is the state of the inner child, so even when surrounded by unconditionally loving friends and family...that little girl is always waiting for the rejection to kick in from someone she's let herself love.
She often goes back to the day she ran away from home at the age of 11 and recalls that after being gone for 9 hours, that no one even realized she was missing; hence no search took place. The remembrance of her mother laughing at her didn't help. And that is what she was seeking...help. "Help me!" was her inner plea, yet no one ever heard her...they were too busy. Too busy working or lost in their own pain.
"I'm tired," is my little girls current plea and I hear her. I'm trying to parent and console her as they say to do. You know what's so difficult about that though? My parents were both broken so certainly couldn't provide me proper life tools.
So how am I to really understand how to parent my own inner child? How are any of us to understand the process, if we were broken down by our parents, molesters or rapists? I've felt depressed, fearful, burdensome as far back as I recall, and I have clear memories when I was two.
So do I read a book? Meditate? Pray? Do some yoga? Cry? Therapy? Spank myself, literally & figuratively, cause I didn't act all spiritual & loving when someone was mean to me today? Eat some cake?
In this moment, I've done all of the above, and much more, yet my inner child is sad. Very sad. She truly has a depth of desire to love herself, be strong, be gentle, be sweet yet powerful and to stop being sad. Yet, sadness then anger, then sadness then anger, is where she resides these days.
What's it all mean?
Growth and healing...and letting yourself actually feel...is part of the process.
Being "woke" isn't all that -- it's painful. It's letting go of the old stories, finally being angry, releasing the victim mentality and letting yourself be loved so you can get out of the corner of fear which you've been living in. It's reaching out your hand and trusting another to assist you -- yet reaching out a hand, is often very difficult to do when you've been beaten down into submission by those that claim they love you.
And I've discovered that every beating by my father has carried with me in my psyche all these years so when others have done things which aren't even that "bad" I feel it as though I'm being beaten again. Harsh words or even tone can set my inner child off into the corner. Her victim story is so ingrained within her that all the comfort I've been providing her regularly isn't always enough. She seeks gentle embraces with loving, sweet kind words and in this world...it's hard to sometimes find.
My outer shell became so overly actualized in response to trying to protect her that I built walls around myself 10 miles wide.
Empaths feel deep.
A wounded empath seeks nothing more than to be loved sweetly and gently because we literally love so deeply that it's like death or a physical pain of being stabbed in the heart when someone rejects us, abandons us or embarrasses us.
And when you are this delicate within, you protect yourself by all costs from this angry world we live in...which can relay outwardly as a fierceness, pushing away, anger, rage, venting which spews forth and gets away from us and...well...we hurt people then carry it as great shame and worry for years after.
You must understand that Empaths with wounded inner child never, ever, ever wishes to hurt another human being.
We feel such pain and grief in daily life, we don't wish it on anyone, so often will shut down and hide to protect others. If you poke us repeatedly, lie directly to us or about someone we love or we find you a threat then the rage comes out on occasion as protection...and we then spiral and feel awful about ourselves again. When others then chastise us for actually standing up for our selves, those we love, it wounds us so deeply we often shift into deep depression or suicidal thinking.
Many survivors of abuse think that we are "bad" for letting it happen to us, so we try to be the good girl and when someone we love tells us what we've done is bad, wrong, horrible etc. we take it to heart and beat ourselves up...for decades.
Life goes on...
is there anything you can do to help yourself and break the patterning? Love your inner child daily!
Make it a part of your morning routine. Envision them as far back as you can recall and wrap them up in a blanket of "You are Loved. You are Lovable. You are Love." and keep doing it every single day. Journal about your feelings that bubble up. Talk to a friend or therapist or sponsor. You must do the inner work yourself, it doesn't mean you must do it all alone though! There's a difference.
Be consciously gentle with yourself is my second piece of advice - you're doing the best you can. Some days you'll be on top of the world and other days low. It's all okay and as it should be. Life is a journey.
And to those that love Empaths that are healing...be gentle. We can offer depths of love unlike any other but your gentleness and patience will be needed. We often need space to process (we transmute negative planetary energies into positive) HOWEVER please check on us regularly -- that alone will help us more than you will ever know!
Rev. Arabella Marie