I'm a Woke Chick - It's true! The majority of humanity doesn't have a clue where I'm coming from and I've come to terms with, "That's okay! I still got something to say out loud!" So, let's talk about Marriage.
I've been often asked about being married for thirty years (in worldly terms) AND leaving the contract after so long. I haven't particularly wished to write about it however many have told me they would love my thoughts especially since the majority of humanity never makes it near that far, so they think that I must have some insight that could help them in some way. Well, I don't know about that!
Let's see what rolls off the keyboard this morning, shall we?!
Short and sweet response to, "How did you stay married for so long?" would be that I'm horribly stubborn and used to care greatly about what everyone else thought!
Not very "spiritual" of an answer is it?
Truth often doesn't come out sounding what we think spiritual should sound like.
Being spiritual is truth.
Whatever that truth is within you, that is expressed out loud. It isn't walking on eggshells, biting your tongue, or making nice with everyone. Your truth will change as your ego quiets down and your soul begins speaking, but, yeah, it's not all fancy, lovely and perfect as many would like you to think it's supposed to be. Truth is often just the opposite. It's laying it down without editing, shall we say! (assuming you are woke and have a loving intention!)
You can choose to label me many things while I lived in fear; including enabler, rager, co-dependent, control freak, empath whom all stayed with the narcissist...until there was nothing left of myself or the connection. I was lost, clueless as to who I was. And that was MY fault, not his!
Let me digress here; I met my soul mate when I was merely 17 years old. And he wasn't my first soul mate yet the one I was supposed to marry and birth a child with. We are surrounded by soul mates in our lives. They are the ones who hold our hand and help us learn our earthly lessons. Some are for a short time, some are for a long time. And even way back at around 12 yrs. old, I knew things clearly on an intuitive level. I also NEVER saw myself old and sitting on the front porch swing with this soul mate (and he did).
From the worldly perspective, it looked like I was jumping from the frying pan of an abusive household into the fire of life with an Alcoholic and Drug addict with a wealth of anger issues. He had even beat the shit out of his first wife, drove his car into a ditch while drunk and ended up in jail while he and I were dating. Was that enough to dissuade me from him as a future husband? No....
The fact he was 8 years older, married and had a toddler at the time didn't matter to me in the least either. I was the ultimate caretaker, so it was my comfort zone to take care of him and his family. His physical violence towards me, consciously did matter, but not enough to stop me from getting pregnant then married as soon as his divorce was finalized.
"I can handle it!" was my inner dialogue. I handled my father beating me so I can handle this guy. I don't need any help was my mother's voice within...yeah. "I"m good and don't need no help, bro!"
I'll say that in retrospect, everything was the way it was supposed to be. Mainly because I learned a wealth of earthly lessons from him by my side that I agreed to learn before coming back to earth. That's Karma, baby!
(Yes! We choose our lessons before coming here and when we are done, we get to move on).
Admittedly, I apparently am a great actress because I just kept morphing myself into what others wanted me to be for years and years. I made everything look fantastic! We had a beautiful home, friends, photos of "happy family" when within me...I was sad, lonely, unhappy, felt worthless and had lost myself BECAUSE I had never even taken the time to find myself! Let alone build a beautiful foundation for my life before jumping into the frying pan of another person, his baggage, and a life of illusions.
Around comes 2014...and I had learned my lessons, paid back karma to him and was ready to graduate and move on!
I LEFT MY HUSBAND IN A STATE OF LOVE
Here's the one big important thing, homies! I LEFT HIM IN LOVE, not in anger. There was no fighting going on. We lived in separate bedrooms at different ends of the house. We were friendly, communicative and supported each other through the divorce.
To leave in LOVE was the HUGE lesson that was mine to encompass as a woke woman.
Not run away, disappear or rage to get out of the marriage. It was to leave in a state of love for myself, for him, our grown daughter and be fully conscious of the lessons I learned and be able to find the "perfection" within the chaos of three decades together.
In this very moment, I don't believe in worldly contracts or the need for them. I used to play the game that we all play; however when we are awake, the illusions that humanity has created become really clear. What better way to control us than through documents, contracts, do this and do that?
Do you need a contract to tell you to love someone until death?
Why would you need that?
Or that you are supposed to ONLY love one person your whole life?
Or that to "love them" means you have to live with them?
We, as humans, change, grow, expand, blah, blah, blah...why would anyone assume that we'd be the same person at 17 as at 47?
I was a totally different person by 47 and my hubby was very much the same as when he was 25 when we met. His choice to remain in his comfort zone and my choice to blossom into everything I was told not to be divided us in worldly terms. He wanted monogamy and I didn't any longer. He wanted a rainy climate, I wanted sunshine. We were happier apart, than together!
When you love someone...don't you want them to be happy? And I loved myself and wanted to be happy!
(Do you see what I did there? To love thy self is to put your needs first! Very Divine of me, if I do say so myself!)
I will always love the man I was married to for decades, who is the father of our wondrous child! Do I need a piece of paper to tell me to do so? NO!
Do I need a contract to tell me to be a good person, not hurt others with the way I drive my car, or run my business or have integrity to finish a project I started? NO!
Why do YOU need a piece of paper to love or do what's right?
You've been conditioned by your parents, siblings, society your entire life so when you begin unveiling what is true for you...and it doesn't fit into what you were told...it is uncomfortable, isn't it?
The mind (ego) vs. heart begins kicking in and things you put up with for years can't be done without a wealth of inner discomfort (that is your soul trying to tell you that the person/situation isn't right for you any longer!).
The discomfort of not being true to yourself becomes overwhelming in every way until you leave the situation. You also stop fighting outwardly. You seek peace, resolution, serenity for all involved. It begins by being in a state of love...for yourself.
You'll know what I'm explaining here if you've ever left someone, or said no and walked away from a situation and your soul feels at peace! There's an "Ahhhh!" within you.
Would I get married again? No clue!
Well, I literally have zero prospects however I absolutely believe in relationship, friendship, laughter, sex, working together to create, supporting each other and I don't need a piece of paper to tell me to love them...or how to love them...or for how long...or anything else!
I've learned recently that I am a flirt...and that I was flirting with myself. What does that mean?
Well, people treat us how we treat ourselves. If I'm flirting with my self-love, self-care and not being fully committed to self then that's how people show up. Everyone is our mirror.
You gotta show up for yourself! When you show up, life shifts in beautiful ways. It's something you must experience for yourself, I can't tell you what it will look or feel like; however I can say that it's worth it to make a commitment to self before anyone else.
Historically, marriage was created for tax purposes. It isn't about love, connection or anything other than a worldly construct about money! Then it has turned into a way to carry guilt within us when it's time to move on.
It is DIVINE KNOWLEDGE that change...is always...happening! Let it.
If marriage works for you, I am happy! If it isn't, I support you in doing what's best for you! There's no magic pill to be happy in a marriage for a lifetime other than loving yourself, finding your happiness, doing what's best for you ...and in this world, the majority can't even conceptualize doing so. Try it, you may like it!
Rev. Arabella Marie