I am very conscious about the words I express about myself both internally and externally, yet truth is truth and on this day it needs to be laid out in the open so it can be let go of in a loud and pronounced way. We heal, and help others heal, by speaking our truth. The more authentic and personal, the more healing. - Originally written June 7 2016 while living in Joshua Tree, California.
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Did you know I was a runner? A hider? A chickenshit? One who has lived in fight or fly mode her entire life until recently?
Yep, that’s me, Reverend Marie Georgina Blackstock, who feels the pain of identifying with being, or at least previously believing, I was all these things until this very moment when I hit the post button as it means that I’ve decided that I’m ready to STOP the behaviors.
I quite literally did grow up as a runner. I ran cross country and track & field and have the first place ribbons to prove it. When you learn to run away from the realities of your life it translates both figuratively and physically. Growing up in a home environment where you’re afraid to speak, let alone breathe, out of fear of being hit and/or verbally attacked you learn to always be on alert, quick on your feet and run at the first sign of trouble.
It is self-defense and you live in that mode 24 hours a day for the rest of your life until you choose NOT to. Self-defense mode is a life of never trusting anyone, not believing anyone loves you, cares for you, protecting yourself at all costs by even staying more than a safe distance away from people both physically and, unfortunately, emotionally. It’s an endless cycle of being on guard and it’s quite exhausting, in actuality.
When the exhaustion of running hits, I then go into hiding mode. I’m one of those girls that likes to play hide & seek yet hides herself so deep in the dark that no one can ever find me; until I’m ready for them to find me. It’s the chickenshit that hides! Sometimes I often times hide in “distractions” of life too. These days I am hiding from true unconditional love from another. Sounds silly, doesn't it?
Quite frankly, he’s the most perfect specimen of the Divine Masculine I’ve ever experienced in physical form. Oh, he certainly has his human flaws and shattered pieces, as we all do, yet the reflection I see within him shows me what a beautiful and inspiring Divine being that I truly am!
Unconditionally loving a man, and most importantly, myself hasn’t always been an easy task after being raised in a world which promotes ego wants of marriage, cards, flowers, attention, jealousy, fear of abandonment, rejection, keeping track of he said/she said, re-hashing past offenses, he better do this…blah, blah bullshit that most of us get sucked into in relationships formed upon our huge egos. The conditioning has been planted deeply within us and it takes time to let it go and practice another way of loving – unconditionally as God loves us. There aren’t any limitations or man-made rules on it in the least.
God only knows the full extent of my deep-seeded fears of abandonment, rejection, not feeling safe which have created the external actions to hide, push away and stay in chickenshit mode. To actually express my real feelings and deal with the emotions and consequences that ensue, whatever they may be at this point in time, has been terrifying to even think about.
It’s become almost “comfortable” hiding away as a hermit in the desert than showing up and acting a fool for the only person I’ve ever loved from the depths of my soul. He isn’t my first love but he is my last, and I don’t state that lightly! I know this and feel it within every single ounce of my big, beautiful being. He isn’t my soul mate; he’s my perfect mirror image and we share the same soul although walk in separate bodies. When I run away from or hide, it’s actually about running away from myself and the parts of me that I’m not comfortable looking at.
Maybe he’ll read this and maybe he won’t….it isn’t about him in the least. It’s about me and freeing myself from running, hiding, self-defense, self-sabotage, fighting mode that my ego told me “I was supposed to be” when actually what I’m supposed to be is…. LOVE.
If there’s nothing else that I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that every “relationship” is actually about loving ourselves first and foremost, then letting lovers be the byproduct of our love, not the reason for our love.
Bye, bye running shoes. I don’t need you anymore. Time to simply walk in LOVE from this moment forward.