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Twin Flame Journal | Just Leave Me Alone...Please

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Twin Flame Journal: Just Leave Me Alone…Please

Picking my emotional scabs that I hide from the world. “How dare you!”

Just Leave Me Alone…

Please.

He’s here again, stalking me like his prey. A weekend retreat away from reality was a God send. Then I’m back to reality and praying, “Stop loving me, stop thinking about me, just stop.” I don’t want it and apparently parts of me don’t think I deserve it.

“Go swoon over the girl which you show off as your sweetheart! You know the one — the one you openly tossed me aside for as though I was dog shit on the bottom of your work boot!”

Just leave me alone…

Please.

I beg you — This love feels like it is killing me. The desire to shoot my brains out in October 2016 re-play as I feel him come near. I feel his energy, know his thoughts, his wants and desires. I ask, “Why the fuck ARE you here? You chose her and keep choosing her, so go away!”

I’m consciously trying to move on and detach; to be happy is my goal! And I AM Happy and I’m loved and appreciated and adored…yet not by him. He’s a fucking ghost who shape shifts and astral travels and fucks with my head plenty! 

I see a life ahead full of romantic beauty where laughing, dancing and love letters…kisses and sunsets are the norm. Heaven on earth for me — not this hell on earth when he finally decides to show up.

His love is like some drug so when he comes right back to me after being with her, I’m back wanting to let go and surrender into his arms and swim forever in his heart…yet, I can’t.

Picking my emotional scabs that I hide from the world. “How dare you!”

Why would I hand him the loaded gun again? 

Every photo of them together swirl about my memory bank. Every word written publicly of adoration for her, and not ever for me, makes me want to vomit and punch him square in the jaw. I just want to hate him; so I fight, and I cry, and I push him away, only for him to return again and again…and again.

He shown me and the entire world what he thinks that I’m deserving of…NOTHING.

Just leave me alone…

Please.

The battle within is that I finally know I AM deserving of everything beautiful that life has to offer, not this bullshit! Every piece of my life is beautiful…yet where he is concerned it is pain and frustration.

My heart if full of more love than ever — I’m a shining light! How can he pull me into the pain still? 

The internal struggle of what I deserve and what he serves makes me angry and as the good spiritual martyr I am, well, I get angry at myself for being angry.

“Why the hell can’t I just love him…them…and not give a flying fuck about any of this?”

I don’t know.

I’ve fucked up plenty myself, yet I know I’m deserving of forgiveness. Why can’t I give that gift to him? I don’t know why I can’t get over the want for him and every other man to pay for their trespasses against me and my ancestors. Where is the fucking justice in all this?

I pray, meditate, laugh, sing, journal, read Oracle Cards, nurture myself, my friends and family, my business etc. etc. and the agony within hides nicely while I walk about on this earth as happy-go-lucky yet dying inside. He’s back and it’s the same shit…different day.

Just leave me alone…

Please.

Let me die in peace. Let me not suffer one more moment because of the pain in me, which he digs up for fun. I’m sure their mutual laughter on my gravesite has brought them even closer — addition humiliation that he knows I can sense, yet he continues. There’s nothing left of me. I’ve died and resurrected. Been strung on the cross for him.

Just leave me alone…

Please.

Let me heal. Let me love myself so much that you and your preferred flavor of the month don’t bother me in the least. But for God’s sake I beg…

Just leave me alone…

Please.

I hate you. I hate your smile… and your laugh…and your charm and your motherfucking intellect. And I mostly hate you for making me love you and want you day in and day out.

Yet here I am - In love with you.

Just leave me alone…

….Please.

Original article on www.ArabellaMarie.life : Twin Flame Journal | Just Leave Me Alone…Please

 



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