Written for Divine Feminines who may be hiding some blocks like I have been doing.
A great energetic shift has been creating more and more clarity for me over the past few weeks. This week has been profound!
While driving I realized that although I feel totally "good enough" for my twin flame that I'm still pushing him away, well, because maybe... I don't feel totally good enough. Huh?
Consciously we know things, yet it is in the depths of our unconscious where old wounds and untrue beliefs are hiding. Truth be told, if I had met my twin back in the day when I was young, fun and sorta dumb...and not to be too vulgar but full of cum too, we would have had a GREAT time!
We could have made beautiful babies and we would have "looked" great together too, cause that's the most important thing when you're young and asleep in your consciousness, isn't it?! Oh baby, all of our friends would have wanted to be us just for the picture perfect photos we could post to make others jealous.
Skip to the real world and modern day. I am 8 years older than my twin which currently places me at 52 and a body that has been destroyed by food addiction and chronic pain. I haven't been young or thin in decades. I also am in menopause so I can't provide a baby to him.
After my divorce, I lost 99% of my worldly possessions, was homeless and sitting in the welfare office just last year for the first time in my life.
What does all of this mean?
I've being holding in guilt and shame about a whole wealth of things which are mostly out of my control. Admittedly, I'm a pretty fucking amazing chick! I'm the whole package as far as most would classify me as.
I am also FAR from perfect by human standards and that's messed with my ego plenty over the past five years!
I was recently reading an article by another twin, Vito Mucci, who was sharing an excerpt from his book in which "we take on the other person". It gently triggered this article and the realizations I'm sharing with you. Vito was discussing how he has PTSD and social anxiety etc. and how his twin has to take that on too. She has to deal with him and who he is. Even if she wasn't his twin!
If you're a twin flame then you know about merging of the souls, the chakras, the physical bodies and internal mechanisms of the human body as well as each other's emotions, feelings, worries, on and on and on, AND then we have everyday shit like having to deal with another soul having a human experience. Ugh!
My realization is that I feel bad, and actually shameful in some ways, that I am not a better "gift" for my beloved. Wow, I said it. Ouch!
I see him through Divine eyes and am knowing he deserves only the very best - A beautiful, young, financially successful, mother, wife, lover...and I am none of those things to him. Or maybe I am! and I've fucked with my own mind enough to talk myself out of him seeing me as anything but old, broke, unsuccessful, too sexy to be a mother, foul mouth, and also a failure at marriage.
My belief of what he is deserving of certainly helped in the manifestation of such a partner for him though...but it wasn't me. She even looks perfect in photos and videos as he is deserving of. I don't.
This is not a pity party for Rev. Marie - this is laying it on the line what I've been going through on the inside about myself...and only sharing because you may have similar hiding within you. I'm here to help you by sharing what's been real for me...those places we don't usually share out loud!
I have one grown daughter now and was pregnant another time after her, but lost the baby. These days I'm going through menopause and dealing with the physical, emotional and societal issues attached to being "old" and not being able to have a baby (even if I wanted to) has caused my heart great unending pain and guilt because I want to give my twin flame a child. Many of us do! They are our greatest love in this lifetime so as a woman that's the greatest gift you can give. When you can't give it, you feel like an utter failure in every way.
As mentioned, my body has been ravaged by food addiction which also makes me feel like a failure because he's picture perfect - young, strong, healthy, virile, manly man! I just look at him in astoundingness that he's my twin. Wow! How blessed am I? And how embarrassing for him to see me and the self-destruction I caused from my unhappiness a long time ago.
Then I walk past the mirror and "the lines on my face are getting clearer," as Steven Tyler sings. White hair and general getting older crapola just doesn't help the issue. I have a history of PTSD symptoms, depression, anxiety, body pain, etc. etc. etc which all just make me feel less than in what he deserves. And will he take it on?
Does he have any imperfections? Oh sure! And it's so easy to look at someone we love, adore, look to for inspiration, wisdom and just love them... yet we can't love ourselves for the same things. This statement is why we MUST start loving self first!
Trust me, I'm more than a bit surprised that after all of the Healing work I've done that any of this is still here. Surprise, surprise! (insert Gomer Pyle voice)
I'm a lot! I come with baggage. I have unpacked, healed, changed yet I still have baggage because I'm a human who's been on earth for 50+ years. I can't unpack all the memories or things that I am and throw them all out!
Can he handle me and everything that comes with me? That is THE question that came up.
Essentially...will he take it on? I've taken it on for myself, so I know he will when he's ready.
So, if I have these realizations about self, my twin flame is going to mirror back to me what I think I am...
Example: A woman, who isn't me and holds all the attributes which I think look like "perfection", is his partner. Maybe I should have just owned who I am back then?
If I'm feeling shameful in some way... then he is.
If I'm feeling not good enough in some way...then he is.
If I wonder if he can handle me with everything...then he's thinking similar.
This is the mirror effect.
I couldn't fix anything unless I broke deep inside and stopped hiding my pain, grief, my shame, my dysfunction, my perceived imperfections. Here it is for the world to see. I'm not afraid of you looking at it...or me. This kind of sharing is freedom in actuality.
I pray that something I've written here helps you. Helps you in getting real with yourself, most importantly. Truth be told, God sees me & you as nothing but Perfect, Whole & Complete!! And I believe it...my inner child is still creating some stories that are held in ego but I can let her know who's actually the boss. Me!
If I can help you with a reading, let me know! I book worldwide sessions.
In love & service...